Single Motherhood and Aluminum Cans

I've made some mistakes, okay a lot of mistakes.  It seems my children will pay for that.  I know I can't change the past so lets go forward...  Starting new.  I have moved to a new town, have a new job and that's where the wall begins. I could spend hours/days/pages explaining why we are where we are but will that help or change where we are?

Lets see:
I don't make enough money to support us.  Too much to qualify for things like MediCal or free school lunch, help with sport registration fees, but not enough to pay for those things or even basic necessities like food and clothes.  No child support from the boys' dad.  He doesn't work, so that isn't going to change anytime soon!  He just moved (yesterday) about 200 miles away so at least he won't be showing up drunk for functions/visitations/breakfast.  (I joke, we don't eat breakfast with him, so I don't really know about that.. but lunch is definitely a possibility, I'd say were about 75:25 on him showing up drunk for lunch.)

I have over 40,000.00 in credit card debt.  (see part about mistakes were made)

I have NO support system.  Very few friends, none close enough that I could ask for help in any significant way.  For example, take my boys, please, for just a few hours.  Of course for those few hours, I'd probably sleep... a peaceful, restful, sleep.  Or would I worry, maybe clean the house, do laundry.. I know.. go grocery shopping!

The boys HATE grocery shopping.  It usually ends with them playing tag or tripping each other or touching everything within reach.  Me scolding them, they end up with consequences of no TV or endless timeouts which then result in them bouncing off the walls at home and me having to watch them to make sure they don't kill each other (accidentally?  maybe, occasionally they do intentionally hurt each other).  Fellow shoppers looking at us with scorn.  I know one of them wants to say to me "Please control your children."  as if I don't want to?  as if there was a way, I'd like to know what it is.  Sure, take them out to the car, leave the store.. but then what do we eat?  It is impossible for me to not take them with me.

M-F there are 2.5 hours a day they are both in school (youngest in kindergarten).  That would be when I'm working!  In other words not the time to go run errands, like grocery shop.  Other than those 12.5 hours I have at least one of them with me at all times.  The youngest does great in the store in the afternoons.  All the staff loves him, his nickname is the bookstore kid (like bookstore cat), and he usually doesn't cause too much grief.  The older one is supposed to go to the city afterschool program but he doesn't like it and to show that he doesn't like it he misbehaves, is rude to the staff and occasionally hits or threatens someone so... yeah he's not happy there and they are not happy he's there.  I've explained to him that he has to go to this program, I have to work and its the only thing we can afford.  But he points out his brother gets to go to the shop, why can't he (the program is only available to grades 1 and above, if he could go, he'd be going)? I made a deal that he can come to the store 2x a week, if he's behaving.  When he comes to the store, not much work gets done.  He is constantly after attention.  We need to work on that.  The staff likes him and tolerates him, but he is in their way.  Luckily he hasn't figured out that if he gets kicked out of the afterschool program (one more incident it will happen), I have no other option but to bring him to the store or just not be in the store.. and well that would lead to less money to live on.

Why does the oldest have such issues?  This goes to the age old question, which came first?  Before the separation, there were lots of issues (not as many but still lots), since the separation, there have been even more, worse issues.  He has ADHD, that is not an excuse, its just muddy's the waters.  He is depressed (he's told me on multiple occasions that he wants to be dead, he used to ask that I kill him, now he just threatens he'll do it himself or runaway.).  We see a psychiatrist.  His recommendation is to get the ADHD under control and then see about the depression.  He's been abandoned.  His father missed four of his ten football games.  Games that his dad said he'd be at but just didn't show up. Okay, I hear ya, he came to six, that's great!  But he doesn't come for other things, he only comes out for sporting events, not for anything else.  Oldest mentioned he noticed his dad comes to his brothers games more than his... that's because his brother's games are in town, football has us going all over the place.  He is desperate for his dad to love him, to see him, to acknowledge him.  Occasionally dad will call, sober (maybe), and be supportive.  It usually ends with him saying call me anytime, I'm here for you when ever.  But then he doesn't answer, doesn't call, doesn't apologize for missing everything.
It
Crushes
Him

and that crushes me.

reduce, recycle, reuse.. but there's nothing to reduce, recycle or reuse.  its just us.

Yeah, from 2009 to 2014.. things have changed.  What seemed like major problems back then were really minor irritations. I have to keep reminding myself, it can get worse, it probably will get worse, maybe someday it'll get better.