Single Motherhood and Aluminum Cans

I've made some mistakes, okay a lot of mistakes.  It seems my children will pay for that.  I know I can't change the past so lets go forward...  Starting new.  I have moved to a new town, have a new job and that's where the wall begins. I could spend hours/days/pages explaining why we are where we are but will that help or change where we are?

Lets see:
I don't make enough money to support us.  Too much to qualify for things like MediCal or free school lunch, help with sport registration fees, but not enough to pay for those things or even basic necessities like food and clothes.  No child support from the boys' dad.  He doesn't work, so that isn't going to change anytime soon!  He just moved (yesterday) about 200 miles away so at least he won't be showing up drunk for functions/visitations/breakfast.  (I joke, we don't eat breakfast with him, so I don't really know about that.. but lunch is definitely a possibility, I'd say were about 75:25 on him showing up drunk for lunch.)

I have over 40,000.00 in credit card debt.  (see part about mistakes were made)

I have NO support system.  Very few friends, none close enough that I could ask for help in any significant way.  For example, take my boys, please, for just a few hours.  Of course for those few hours, I'd probably sleep... a peaceful, restful, sleep.  Or would I worry, maybe clean the house, do laundry.. I know.. go grocery shopping!

The boys HATE grocery shopping.  It usually ends with them playing tag or tripping each other or touching everything within reach.  Me scolding them, they end up with consequences of no TV or endless timeouts which then result in them bouncing off the walls at home and me having to watch them to make sure they don't kill each other (accidentally?  maybe, occasionally they do intentionally hurt each other).  Fellow shoppers looking at us with scorn.  I know one of them wants to say to me "Please control your children."  as if I don't want to?  as if there was a way, I'd like to know what it is.  Sure, take them out to the car, leave the store.. but then what do we eat?  It is impossible for me to not take them with me.

M-F there are 2.5 hours a day they are both in school (youngest in kindergarten).  That would be when I'm working!  In other words not the time to go run errands, like grocery shop.  Other than those 12.5 hours I have at least one of them with me at all times.  The youngest does great in the store in the afternoons.  All the staff loves him, his nickname is the bookstore kid (like bookstore cat), and he usually doesn't cause too much grief.  The older one is supposed to go to the city afterschool program but he doesn't like it and to show that he doesn't like it he misbehaves, is rude to the staff and occasionally hits or threatens someone so... yeah he's not happy there and they are not happy he's there.  I've explained to him that he has to go to this program, I have to work and its the only thing we can afford.  But he points out his brother gets to go to the shop, why can't he (the program is only available to grades 1 and above, if he could go, he'd be going)? I made a deal that he can come to the store 2x a week, if he's behaving.  When he comes to the store, not much work gets done.  He is constantly after attention.  We need to work on that.  The staff likes him and tolerates him, but he is in their way.  Luckily he hasn't figured out that if he gets kicked out of the afterschool program (one more incident it will happen), I have no other option but to bring him to the store or just not be in the store.. and well that would lead to less money to live on.

Why does the oldest have such issues?  This goes to the age old question, which came first?  Before the separation, there were lots of issues (not as many but still lots), since the separation, there have been even more, worse issues.  He has ADHD, that is not an excuse, its just muddy's the waters.  He is depressed (he's told me on multiple occasions that he wants to be dead, he used to ask that I kill him, now he just threatens he'll do it himself or runaway.).  We see a psychiatrist.  His recommendation is to get the ADHD under control and then see about the depression.  He's been abandoned.  His father missed four of his ten football games.  Games that his dad said he'd be at but just didn't show up. Okay, I hear ya, he came to six, that's great!  But he doesn't come for other things, he only comes out for sporting events, not for anything else.  Oldest mentioned he noticed his dad comes to his brothers games more than his... that's because his brother's games are in town, football has us going all over the place.  He is desperate for his dad to love him, to see him, to acknowledge him.  Occasionally dad will call, sober (maybe), and be supportive.  It usually ends with him saying call me anytime, I'm here for you when ever.  But then he doesn't answer, doesn't call, doesn't apologize for missing everything.
It
Crushes
Him

and that crushes me.

reduce, recycle, reuse.. but there's nothing to reduce, recycle or reuse.  its just us.

Yeah, from 2009 to 2014.. things have changed.  What seemed like major problems back then were really minor irritations. I have to keep reminding myself, it can get worse, it probably will get worse, maybe someday it'll get better.

so mad I can't write

I'm so mad at SFUSD. I feel like because my son is 'privileged' he doesn't deserve any of their consideration. My sister jokingly said you should tell the principal that he'll raise their API when he gets to 2nd grade since he's so smart. Unfortunately I'm fairly certain that unless he's challenged between then and now.. he's going to lead the class to automatically fill out the test and be done with it. One thing he's good at: figuring out when their is no reward for following the rules.

What to do???? I'm just typing here. I'm on a ledge and I'm SO PISSED I want to say Screw you SFUSD you will not get your ignorant bureaucrats on my son. But then I start to think about the schools themselves.
We're currently registered at Sheridan. A school I'm set to love just don't know what to do about after school (that will start at 2). Other parents that toured say the students are on lockdown and its too strict. I see their point, but that may be good for my son who is known to take his own path when given any opportunity. Though he has behavior issues when he's stressed so I don't know how well he'll do.
Pros: High API, they must be teaching them something! Reading first and big emphasis on writing..(he'll need that!), uniforms (no arguing at 7 AM), lots of great art work, great computer lab and library,
Cons: Horrible location, liquor store across the street, known drug area, small yard area, half the students are bussed in from Sunnydale,- not neighbors, little parental involvement, he'll be the only Caucasian in his class, afterschool care is run by volunteers, not trained YMCA staff.. if we're able to get a spot there. It is the wrong direction for my commute.. so that would add a half hour each way.

I had hoped to get a spot at Glen Park elementary
Pros: on way to freeway from house! School on the way up!
Cons: no uniform, small school yard, parental involvement is pretty low, afterschool care? currently only one class in uppergrades

Sunnyside,
Pros: great teachers/principal, can see school from home, neighbors go there, diverse student population
Cons: low API, probably WON'T get a spot, currently only one class in upper grades, low parent involvement.

Stop thinking!

Okay I'd really like to stop worrying about Kindergarten. Our curretent situation is that we've registered at Sheridan but we're not morning people so the early start time may be a problem. And afterschool care may be another problem. We're waitlisted at Sunnyside, which being in the round 2 cohort means we'll either get a space in June or not until the 10 day count. But its likely we'll get a space.. but maybe not. So does that mean we buy uniforms for Sheridan and then use them for only two weeks? (yeah, its waaay too early to start thinking about that!) But the EPC just added an additional GE class at Glen Park. If I switch to GP, then our hope of sunnyside is over. Can't switch at this point AND keep our waitlist (shouldn't have registered at Sheridan!). Our Round II list was 1: Sunnyside 2: GP 3: Sheridan... so if they'd added GP at the start, we'd probably have been there with a waitlist for sunnyside.
Our private backup still has a space for us, I feel bad making them hold on to it but its nice to have this safety net in case I win the lottery before the end of this school year.

Elvis is so excited, his class is starting to learn reading skills and so he's constantly trying to read thing. So far no luck, but its cute just the same. Cash is getting huge, he's 24 lbs now and not yet six months. I've started dressing him in 18 month clothes, some of the 12 months are too tight on his ham hocks.

can't right..

the title of my blog has two meanings. First its a nod to this sensation I've had all my life that no matter what I do, it won't be the 'right' thing. I really do try to do the best thing, I want the best for my children and myself. But there are too many decisions to be made and I always seem to make the wrong one. An over simplified example would be that I always chose the line that moves the slowest.. yes yes it just feels that way to me.. but I swear if we measured the lines I get in always have some tragedy or something to slow them down. And while the length of waiting in line isn't really an issue, I've adapted, I've learned ways to entertain my children while we wait, if I'm alone I can always catch up on reading. But still, just once, I'd like my line to move quickly!

The second meaning is that I can't write. I'm horrible at grammar and spelling. Most people dismiss it as low intelligence. That, I assure you, is not what it is! Is it because I skipped sixth grade and missed some fundamental aspect of writing? I've tried, I've studied, I just can't do it. The grammar police have me down as a Most Wanted Felon, the spelling gang has tried to embarrass me into submission. I spell so bad, spell checker doesn't help. But I'm here to blog and if no one reads it, well that really isn't the point.

The point is that I can't just not let it out.. I have to put it down somewhere and maybe in re-reading it, I'll find the line without the drama.

maybe.

One thing led to another

and it was time for Cash to be born. (I also want to say I was going for antenatal testing 2x a week in addition to regular appointments, I had gestational diabetes which required daily insulin shots).
I had a scheduled C-section November 25. Bouncing baby boy weighing 8lbs 11oz. Luckily it was over Thanksgiving weekend so Elvis could spend sometime with family. Unluckily he brought home a really nasty cold that knocked him out and dad out for a week. After two weeks, it turned out my incision was infected so I 'got' to take some kick ass antibiotics and deal with the upset that caused to me and Cash. Breastfeeding was going okay, not great, but better than it did with Elvis.
Other illnesses and dealing with a new baby and sibling occupied our time until the week the application was due. Coincidentally it was also the week before I returned to work. I was focusing on breastfeeding and pumping up a store for when I returned to work on Jan 20th.
The week of the deadline: I just peaked at my to do list from that week, the application is not on it. At this point in my head I had convinced myself I had until the end of the month and had planned to take the application in the week of Jan 12, before returning to work.
On Wednesday, Jan 7th, after I returned from a breastfeeding while working class, Paul asked me when the application was due... I replied I'll take it down next week. (again I was thinking the end of the month). Friday Jan 9th, I took all my school info out and put it on the dinningroom table to look at when I got a chance, I never did. After a hectic day I sat down to read the chronicle at 10PM... and saw in the city section that today was the deadline. My heart stopped. I immediately went online, maybe the office was open until midnight. Maybe I should drive down and see? Could I slip it under the door? The office wasn't open late and there was no way to submit the application. Paul had fallen asleep with Elvis at bedtime and I went in and woke him up, at this point I'm fairly certain I was on the verge of a major anxiety attack. Paul calmed me down saying I could go down on Monday and explain the situation, surely they are still processing applications.

After not sleeping all weekend, I went down to the EPC, arriving at 9:15 AM. Very quiet, I was told no late applications are accepted. I asked to talk with a counselor. I did, she went and got her supervisor who told me the same thing. I started crying. At least I'd had two days to resign myself to my mistake or I would have completely lost it.

Note: if you happen to be reading this and you're not me: I apologize, I can't write. I am intelligent, I have a master's degree in chemistry.. i just can't spell or construct sentences. I hope my sons how to at their school!

Kicking Off

Well I've been really stressed lately. My son is entering kindergarten in the fall and I blew it on his application. I missed the deadline for San Francisco Unified School District. I think this may go down as the biggest mistake of my life, well at least of Elvis' life so far! I'm hoping if I put it down in one place, maybe I'll be able to sleep and not keep running all the possibilities over in my head. Paul, the father in this equation, keeps saying there is nothing to be done until May so we must just wait. Wait? He doesn't realize the rest of Elvis' life will be affected by this.

How did I let this happen? (ha, I've asked that question about 6,000 times so far this year.) Well I was nine months pregnant when the whole process began back in October. I went to the school fair and looked for possibilities besides Miraloma (our neighborhood school which had become very popular) which has been my favorite for the past few years. Found a few. Toured six schools in the beginning of November, thank goodness for maternity leave otherwise I'd have never been able to do it. My day was: take Elvis to preschool, tour school, go home and nap, pick Elvis up from preschool. Looking back, I guess I should have just napped.

I had my seven choices picked out: Miraloma, Lakeshore, Rooftop, Commadore Sloat, Clarendon, West Portal & Sunnyside. Yeah it was going to be a long shot, but I should get Sunnyside, right? I was prepared to love sunnyside but Lakeshore seemed to have more parental involvement, Rooftop had so much going on + no repeat of this process at 6th grade, Sloat had a great campus with lots of playground space for my rambunctious son, Clarendon -again so much going on, West Portal is where Elvis' grandmother works and Sunnyside was our backup. I was still debating, I could leave Clarendon out but which school would I replace it with?

Anyway, I got very pregnant, very tired, and forgot all about kindergarten. All of a sudden I was consumed with making it through this pregnancy without getting high blood pressure as I did with Elvis. I had boxes of clothes to sort and wash, good thing we'd saved all those clothes. It took us six hours to put the crib together, three hours searching for the very small pieces we'd placed in a zip lock and placed in a 'safe' place (in the garage, above where the crib was stored when we first put it down there). I was so busy at work I hadn't done anything to prepare for the baby figuring I'd have three or four weeks before the birth to prepare... but those weeks happened to be exactly when I could tour all the kindergarten classes.

ekk its time to get Elvis to bed, I'll have to finish this later.